D.P IV

The last three nights of dreaming in dream land:

11/20

   I was reliving the moments that a poet friend invited me to her version of Legendary Ladies Ball. The night before we shared deep stories with our sister friends that may have changed our lives forever. (In real life I remember feeling hesitant to share anything whilst realizing that I was not alone in the dealings I've had with life) however in my dream I was more active in expressing every flaw and buried skeleton in my past with them. 
    With a particular sister friend (who is currently a piercing and tattoo professional) was holding my hand toward the end of the ceremony where we burned every bad memory in a bonfire pit. Granted, that actually happened but this time she was squeezing the shit out of my hand. It was turning beet red. No matter how had I tried to get out of her grip there was no shaking it. No one around seem to notice how uncomfortable I was and she definitely didn't notice how awkward things were becoming.
    Toward the end of the moment, her grip loosened while others threw out their memories sharing smiles, hugs and tears with one another. She looked at me and said, "NOW GO BE FREE," with a different smile I've never seen. In a blink of an eye her gaze was gone and turned to walk away with other sister friends.


11/21 
    I woke up crying or wailing and moaning if you will. My eyes were dry and I didn't exactly have the emotional feelings of sadness but in dreamland, there definitely were tears and lots of them. I don't want to write it because even now I am in denial but someone close to me passed away. Our relationship has grown since I've become an adult and he has become one of my favorite people to receive encouragment.
   The dream went quick as if I could roll over and it be over. One second we were laughing about politics, reminiscing about family and good times and then like a snap of a finger, the faint smell of hospital beds, opaque walls and despair flooded my senses. I saw him for a split second laying there with tubes running everywhere, but tears immediately drowned my vision. I felt empty and lost. In the few moments of crying out loud I awoke to an alarm sounding from my phone and just like that it was over.

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   Love and lost goes hand in hand at times. There's a saying that mentions a death resulting in a new lust for life. Think about it; during a break up the victim either delves deeper in their work or studies, or the take up a new hobby replacing the loss in place of the void. Most people begin a rigorous workout schedule with diet plans and eating habits. At least that's what I did when I went through heartbreak. That coupled with new poems completed every night to ease the pain. 
    In my first dream I think my conscious is reminding me to let go and move on. Everything I placed into that bonfire that evening was so difficult to write and in turn destroy. Little did I know that was only the beginning of the battle. I was letting go physical parts of the struggle, but emotionally moving forward is difficult and an entire new level of maturity to accept.
   The sister friend holding my hand represented the issue; her agonizing grip was the letting go part. As the pain seeped deeper in my hand, the pain symbolized how long it could stay and how ugly its pressure could destroy relationships with other people, ultimately with myself. Kind of weird saying that since I am myself and I generally love myself and get along with myself, however experience has taught me that you can't love anyone else the right way until you've done it correctly to you first. In more ways than one. ;)

 In the second dream I have realized that time is infinite and minute at the same time. We are all given the same 24 hours logically. but how we spend it differs person to person. The moments we share with loved ones, no matter how often for how ever long, does not matter when death draws near. I know it can rear its scary face regardless of age, truth is we all have to deal with its existence.. or lack thereof.  I am appreciative of every moment we have together and I'm not looking forward to that unfortunate phone call I pray to be much later than sooner but really, what can I do about it?

Thank you for reading. I don't know what the Most High has in store but I am writing everything down. I'm leaving you with a quote from Collateral Beauty, "we long for love, wish for more time and fear death."
    

Peace. Love. Light.