Can anyone explain to me how is it that RANDOM men, whether we've dated before or is a new potential interest, knows how to talk to me way better than the guy I spent a year and a half with?? It really grinds my gears hearing sweet somethings fall from genuine lips into my hearts' ears, searching eyes and finding love and sincerity all while hoping I'd believe him.. I've been naive before, but those words from an old friend were real and it pissed me off. Angry because I found myself questioning Giant's love and comparing our entire relationship to this one night with an old flame. Even though we talked roughly 45 minutes, I was lifted and felt more appreciated then, than Giants' greatest attempt at making me happy.
IN WALKS CONTRADICTION.
I would rather be with Giant than anyone else with our issues still lodged in my memory. WTF is wrong with me? Hands down, I will not let no man ever treat me as he has as long as I am alive. It is true that a man will do what a woman allows him but bar for bar he should be grown enough to realize when enough is enough. The inability to let go when you truly want to is a badd bitch in Louboutins with grey eyes, highlights and nails with a banging body that's never been touched. That pure bitch never even kissed a dick but only attracts the huge ones.
I don't know what the fuck that means.
I'm not lonely.
I'm not horny.
I'm not bitter.
I'm just hurt that Ive let this fucked up affair last as long as it has.
Wanting me around part time doesn't work.
I've at least held onto my womanhood in that regard.
This feels like a first love situation even though this is my second attempt at it. Each round has become more real, more mature each time. Am I afraid to move on? Afraid of change? I don't know.
I'm tired nonetheless.
I am not empty.
I am not congested.
I am not hiding behind truth.
I am not lying about these damn feelings.
I think you find happiness in my misery. Knowing that I fucking love you so damn tough like no one else matters. That I still would do anything for you. That I would go back and change clocks just before meeting you. That I would zoom in on your flaws and highlight those flags red to avoid kissing you, existing with you, unprotected heart molding love making with you, you fucking breath of fresh intoxicated air.
You fucking Giant ass heartbreaker.
Parts of me hate you.
Parts of me regret taking you back over and over again.
Our relationship wasn't terrible.
Too many opinions flooded my own and I lost sight of you.
Our opposites attracted in more ways than one and for the most part
I enjoyed every part of us being together
but now I am here.
more focused and determined to be greater than those tears.
much more powerful than those nights we shared cuddled beneath stars at the park.
I shall become more confident than those words you whispered between promise rings,
tennis bracelets and Chicago trips in the still of the night..
I loveD you dude.
Only the Most High can bring me better than you.
However....... I dont even care right now.
Whatever is suppose to happen will run is course accordingly.
PS.
My playlist during this freewrite
William Fitzsimmons - I Dont Feel it Anymore
Jesse Boykins - Be All Truth, Think, Waiting in Vain and Never a Dull Moment
Floetry- And I Hope
Gwen Bunn - A Baby and Turn the Lights Down
