30/30

This won't be the dopest shit I ever wrote.
Love probably won't ever feel as toxic as before when naivity and forgiveness morphed into being your best friend..

The signs of the times will more than likely be more apparent now than ever before and you don't even read the Bible.

Hate and injustice steals the face of your newborn if the colours' right.

Being cut from a different cloth never felt so pure.

Lines never looked weak and embarrassing,
Hope seems to be a distant memory
Fighting and arguing to prove a point has become is fugal, so tiresome, so damn repetitive,
WHAT ARE WE LIVING FOR?

Are we truly dying to live if we're only living to die?

How much longer will this ill-written piece of thoughts mashed together go on?

Are we not unprepared humans?
Unpredictable people desperately searching for anything to be positive..
I don't know anything anymore.

Black Man

You are still beautiful.
When sweat meets frustration lines about your brow understand right damn now you are still gorgeous.
Tall short
Muscular or thin
Light or dark Black Man you're the Shit.
You are still the apple of my eye,
The cream of the crop the backdrop to my hopes and dreams you are still the King.
Things are changing with time and I know it's hard to bare,
I can see the tears in your eyes behind frozen stale faced stares masked as unforgettable, unforgivable glares,
Nose flares
Lips pursed
Fist tight clutching
Blood
Bible
Biography
Bottles empty
Black pistols
Broken wings
Behind bad memories
Love bares your children
Little black boys and black baby girls
Grow black and bold like you.

Black Man be there!
Black Man don't go to jail!
Black Man slow down you'll find wealth somewhere!
Black Man stand tall!
Black Man hold your pride!
Black Man don't cry!
Black Man don't go white for fear of dark children!
Black Man
Black Man
Black Man

I don't know what to say to you other than I love you!
Other than I need you.
More clever than Clair needing Mr. Huxtable...

Before its Over

We grew up innocent laying in dandelion fields until street lights cracked the asphalt,
Illuminating hopes and dreams as distant shadows
Until street lights shined orange as if IT, and the sun set in alternate realms.
Like if we just lay here when the evening suns appear as twinkling memories, we'd be OK.
Cuz laying here beside you in this field seems timeless.
I can see the God in you between your eyes and I know staring at daylight skies becomes blinding but what if all you've ever wanted to come true just did.
It could be inevitable.
Like fireflies and lightening bugs in the summertime, Love you don't have to die.
You could mount wings of deepest fears, hold on tight and perhaps enjoy the ride cuz I promise the trip would be worth it.

You'll see things in their true form which will no longer haunt you.
It's only scary cuz you never travelled that road before,
It seems darker the further you look, but you're the light in the valley.

And coincidentally we still grow.
Think back to simpler times sitting upon rooftops
Sipping grape koolade from the corner store under the same sky.
Beneath crescent moons and rainbow highlights,
Funny how years later
Gunshots still sound like firecrackers in the summer
Mugshots look even more familiar as we wonder how we've outgrown family ties, where the knot go?

As we grow
Carving our own lane,
Friends change with material things
Sippin lean
Popping P's
Cutting dope for fiends
Pimpin hoes and chasing CREAM
Playing niggas to the left faking to be Kings,
Flipping 5's to 20 packs and everything in between.
Losing sight of what's important and forgetting what it means

But you don't have to die Love.
You can mount wings of an angel and ask for understanding.

You'll see things in their true form which will no longer haunt you.
It's only scary cuz you never travelled that road before,
It only seems darker the further you look, but you're the light in the valley and I've prayed for you.

Written letters for the lot of you because memories can sometimes be the death of truth ...

No Rearview

   Today on The Steve Wilkos show, a young woman named Simone contracted HIV from a man she's been dating for a few years.

  He was abusive and cheated on her way before kids were involved.. She was only 24 and he was 29....

**Confession**

  Its emotional for me because that's exactly where I was a year ago..
When the thought of being exposed to that disease first came to mind, I left which was right when the #LegendaryLadiesBall was in action.

  Burning memories in that bonfire meant so much to me. It's like I died and was born anew by letting go of the past and moving forward.. But the hard part hadn't even came yet. When I left for Vegas right after #TheBall I was determined to find whatever peace out there and keep it with me once I returned.

I haven't been the same.
Love doesn't sound the same.
It doesn't feel the same.
Love doesn't comfort me like it use to.

It's not a bad thing however.
Maturity at the right time is everything.

Do not stay in an abusive relationship for the children, financial (in)stability, sex or loneliness.
IT IS NOT WORTH IT.
IT IS NOT WORTH IT.
IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

I am a years' worth behind where I'm suppose to be because of the time wasted with him.

I only hate the walls I've created,
the carelessness, the bitterness which comes and goes.. I hate remembering how much I gave to him, how much I loved him how many times I sacrificed for him, how many times I heard he wasn't for me but stayed because of the shit I mentioned before.

In this case how do I define regret?

Natalie Stewart said,

"I'm leaving the past behind by accepting it to be, and I'm loving HIM more daily by truly offering me. The all is what I live for I find peace in nothing else, to obtain in over-standing I must inner-stand myself."

Parts of me still wants vengeance.
Parts of me still wants him to hurt.
Parts of me still wants him to see the pain I have left

But it's pointless.

Still everything is gonna be alright. I survived. I made it out. I've become a bigger and better woman. Truth is when the right man comes along he won't run away from the challenge of earning my trust, love and honesty. He'll come prepared ready to break down walls. 

Until then it is my duty to walk in the path the Most High has set for me. That's where my help comes from.

Forget me not (4.9.15)

When you think of me
Write your pleasures on post it notes and place them all over your bedroom wall for memories.
Memories play like movie reels against eyelids in the dark.
They play infinitely on repeat as if consciousness misplace images for question marks, false starts and incomplete thoughts and slurred similes...
Please think of me even when pain slips into the mix.
Perhaps we met for unheard of reasons.
Perhaps those lessons we learned were bigger than both of worlds.
Live and let live.
Love, forgive but possibly never forget.
Regret does not live here..

4.8.15

Mistakes look better on the mantel
Than as a lifeline.
Wishes seem far and in between when reality sets in stronger, longer than most nights..
Sometimes I write to let loose of evil thoughts that come my way,
Things that try to knock me off my stance from shining glory
Life shouts hooray when a soul exceeds its time,
Making goals
Forgetting woes and writing rhymes in between time.
Cuz we all got a voice.
We all got something to say.
But we all fall short of the Most High's fortune and mercy,
We just have to breathe.
In and out.
Remember the time is now for everything to happen.
Peace
Love
Joy
Health
Happiness
Prosperity
Success
It starts with us and its all a process
To digest, inhale, repress, push it out,
Fold it up, breathe out and break free from hurt, harm, danger and misery.
Avoid being unwanted and unnecessary company.
Two can tango plus one is a crowd,
You talking tough in a group but alone you're barely loud
Where your manhood go?
Trying to rule suns
That don't even fuck with your lingo.
You're planets away.
Moons dont even orbit your way.
Love is too precious to be forgotten through pain.

4.7.15

On the phone:

" You probably think I'm crazy.

I mean shit we all get a lil lazy, hazy unpredictable maybe
but when push come to shove and you ain't against that wall,
all you have left is that burner...
Who want some??

I mean fuck niggas.
You all on TV flossing hard now show boatin' for niggas.
Back in the days that was a no no.
You might've got murked by some lame cats just itchin' to burn one.
But its all good tho you look good doing my nigga don't change.

But niggas so fool nowadays.
They pussy.
Can't tell the difference between a bitch and nigga paying to replace his own dick with the shit - they ain't real!
I mean these young niggas quick to get a body.
And they so with the shit they'll kill a nigga momma for a couple thousand..

Meanwhile I'm here.
Watching my back like packs without the straps.
Can't afford to lose my footin' that's why I stay strapped, or double laced however you prefer to take it but shiid my nigga I'm just sayin...

Where the hood go?
Once upon a time we were able to break bread with one another.
Yea we ain't take no shit
But still we knew who was snitchin'.
Cat fishin'
Reachin' for attention ...

This shit crazy.

All my real niggas either dead or locked up in prison -- FREE RED DOT!
Shouts to my real niggas doing fed time..
Aye I wana read you this verse I wrote...

Time change quick when you thuggin
Make love to this money
Fuck a bitch if you hungry
Go get it, its nothing.
War exist if you hustlin'
Out of town plates with a warrant
'Cross three four states with a permit
A .45 and a loaded clip
with a deuce and a quarter pint of that good shit, you know it is
That's how we was when we were young and shit.
Back in the days on Lexington
Flippin birds on the low and shit
Fuckin hoes for practice
When we were bored from thuggin it...

I don't know man I was just writing some shit I'll be home soon yaw hold it down for me. I'm out."

No Queen No Crown 4.6.15

Let's jump off the scariest bridge and splash the ocean together.
Hand in hand we'll both dance and paint our fears yellow.
This'll be fun have everyone come to watch our biggest moment,
No time for guilt, we'll all have a hit at being number one.

Let's jump off the tallest building and smack the ground as one.
When you fall down I won't clown or fake it until I make it,
Cus you are me we work like a team no one is deemed higher.

Let's fall from
the side of the curb
Into a wasteland of tears.
We once saw lust offered from
Girls' 14 unto men twice their senior.
Whatever that means she'll still fuck, and he'll still squeeze
the damage is already done,
She'll go down with half a smile and pick up dirty one's.

If you're reading these tales and concerned for my flow
and trying to figure my lines,
Go to the liquor store any one in the hood and (EUREKA!) I'm sure you'll find.

She's a bad bitch with false teeth but her ass is stiilll in tact.
Lost hope waayy back from smoking soo much crack,
Given from her daddy's cousin baby momma's boyfriend who was blowing her back out.
Who fell short on rent,
Robbing Tom to pay Jim,
Sipping lean talking shit like, "if you do this for me I'll hook you up with some real D..."

Let's jump off the nearest toilet with a belt and a bag of needles.
Dumpster dive into the sewer,
Fumbling for some freedom.
She popped for that weasel and shit got all bad, she didn't choose addiction but
What kind of life should she have after that?

Oh4.Oh5ive.15

At times I love you is all I need...

Too high to think clear
I've been up all morning grinding a 12 hour shift saving for better tomorrows, and I truly believe we are one.

Not like last time where hurt and pain masked emotions different than peace, no I love you because you are not weak.

You are beautiful inside and out and honestly I'm not sure my happiness would be as great if you were gone.

I want to give myself to you in ways never contemplated before.
Still you're so humble waiting would never be in vain cus you feel me.
You understand me, you take the world for what it is and strategize how to make it out.

Because of you I want to reciprocate the love in daffodils and sand.
Cliché I know but this feeling is sweet, indulging, refreshing LOVE, SIMPLE, LOVE.

I miss you when you're gone.

You're the perfect dose of reality.

I'm just writing at this point.
(Even higher as shit)
I love you.
I thank God for you.
Thank you for needing me.

4.My4's.15

Waiting for the snow to fall upon dry sandy ground is like waiting for you to  trust me.
I am here waiting for you.
Though living a life full of great abundance and experience,
Single as the dove that carries messages to and fro oceans,
I am here as a lifeline
Occupying my time until you are ready for me.
Naive as it seems I know what hearts mean when our kiss stiffens the air long before they touch
And right after they touch, our aura is filled with something so uniquely divine and pleasing to the mind, body and soul, hair follicles sway on end dancing the hula, the beating drum within me becomes so loud it connects with yours because I can feel you feeling it too.
All we need is a nice hook and a melody to complete this song,
But I can be much to passive to sing for you, "Its your track love, do you."

And you do so well i sometimes fit in your pocket.
But that's another story for a different story ...

*For my Foes*

4.3.15

I wrote letters to you in my mind every time I felt alone.
Sealed them with a lavender kiss and put them towards the sky.
Best friends forever
Intentions to never leave.
Making promises to forever keep
Like rainbows after a rainy evening.
Sunsets highlight the sweetest colors against the night sky..

4.2.15

I think about you when it rain.
It reminds me of all the times I held onto tears to not cry for you.
To not think about those abusive nights when I saw hell rise before your eyes highlighting mine,
Tempting me
Calling my name in a language I never knew existed hissing at me.
Demanding attention,
Capturing,
Luring me closer to insanity as I watch myself die in a blood bath
Fresh batch of brains and loveless coexistence,
YO I CAN NEVER GO BACK TO THAT APARTMENT.
You,
You fuckless, Giant coward of a man
I once said I loved you more than my next breath,
But that was only because you took mine with hands gripped around my neck and living didn't seem that appealing anymore.
Police didn't stop by cuz we were just outside the hood on the third floor in the middle of the night,
But it was still my right!
In saying those words I hoped you'd stare into my eyes one last time and remember everything you said I was to you.
I wanted you to come to your senses but rage has a way in taking completely over and dementic soul.
I'm not even sure if that's a real word and its a shame cuz even now in this wordplay I cut you slack.
Give you the benefit of the doubt that you were never a demon just distraught.
Maybe even distracted that this little woman swallows fear, stands up to a maniac towering at least five feet her height, weighing an extra 45 pounds than she yet she is not afraid to die.
Not afraid to fight til death bid them adieu if God planned it that way.
But if she had it her way she would die in his grips just to feel the room fade.
Feel the room curl in a tight space as oxygen escapes.
Like maybe the room would grow cold as logic slaps him in the face to shake her awake, but it'd be too fucking late.
.........................................................

I think about you when it rain.
And pray to not mature with bitter scars against a man who wouldn't even think to abuse me in such a way.
And I pray for others who mourn the loss of women that didn't get away.

Lord have mercy.

4.1.15

Happiness lives in bottle disguised as poison..
At times you're too afraid to look past memories, self imagery and forgotten dreams when truth is you are all you need.

Truth is he wasn't shit and she was just a temporary squeeze.
Foolish it seems to stay when tears burn more bridges than any hyperbole or metaphor words could muster,
Catching up to the future while yesterdays float past your radar,
Driving fast switching lanes without a signal like you can't crash, that's insane when Lito told you to fear not the rearview, one for the pain and once more for you.

Happiness lives in a bottle labeled as poison..
So the next time you contemplate suicide, fumble dull knives, second guess bullets in that .9 rushing rule(s)-Let's, overdose on the truth.

Frantically gaze into that mirror, admire freckles, moles or that dry patch of skin, or even that random growth of hair extending your chin, twist up the corners of your lips and smile for you are alive.

Once you realize the enemy takes no days off, your problems may compound, buts what's life if it isn't worth fighting for?

Like love when you've finally found it. The aroma don't even smell the same. That tingle between your thighs tickles more now and only Love can satisfy it.

Like finding something to live for and dying for it.
My people gotta live.
I want you to live.
I wanna be your pusher like
The Only, thing you gotta be is black and grow dreads and stand for your culture.
I'm tired of seeing my people dreading their next breath, or wondering what's next.
Fine tune your love and allow the Most High to enter in
For every bit counts.
Keep that bottle close intoxicate yourself in happiness.

Meet the Artist 2015

the opposite of feeling it..

     These random moods can hop off a cliff into a fiery ditch filled with iron throwing stars and Ginsu blades because I'm not feeling it.
Can anyone explain to me how is it that RANDOM men, whether we've dated before or is a new potential interest, knows how to talk to me way better than the guy I spent a year and a half with?? It really grinds my gears hearing sweet somethings fall from genuine lips into my hearts' ears, searching eyes and finding love and sincerity all while hoping I'd believe him.. I've been naive before, but those words from an old friend were real and it pissed me off. Angry because I found myself questioning Giant's love and comparing our entire relationship to this one night with an old flame. Even though we talked roughly 45 minutes, I was lifted and felt more appreciated then, than Giants' greatest attempt at making me happy.

IN WALKS CONTRADICTION.

    I would rather be with Giant than anyone else with our issues still lodged in my memory. WTF is wrong with me? Hands down, I will not let no man ever treat me as he has as long as I am alive. It is true that a man will do what a woman allows him but bar for bar he should be grown enough to realize when enough is enough. The inability to let go when you truly want to is a badd bitch in Louboutins with grey eyes, highlights and nails with a banging body that's never been touched. That pure bitch never even kissed a dick but only attracts the huge ones.

I don't know what the fuck that means.

I'm not lonely.
I'm not horny.
I'm not bitter.

I'm just hurt that Ive let this fucked up affair last as long as it has.
Wanting me around part time doesn't work.
I've at least held onto my womanhood in that regard.

    This feels like a first love situation even though this is my second attempt at it. Each round has become more real, more mature each time. Am I afraid to move on? Afraid of change? I don't know.
I'm tired nonetheless.

I am not empty.
I am not congested.
I am not hiding behind truth.
I am not lying about these damn feelings.

    I think you find happiness in my misery. Knowing that I fucking love you so damn tough like no one else matters. That I still would do anything for you. That I would go back and change clocks just before meeting you. That I would zoom in on your flaws and highlight those flags red to avoid kissing you, existing with you, unprotected heart molding love making with you, you fucking breath of fresh intoxicated air.

You fucking Giant ass heartbreaker.
Parts of me hate you.
Parts of me regret taking you back over and over again.

Our relationship wasn't terrible.
Too many opinions flooded my own and I lost sight of you.
Our opposites attracted in more ways than one and for the most part
I enjoyed every part of us being together

but now I am here.
more focused and determined to be greater than those tears.
much more powerful than those nights we shared cuddled beneath stars at the park.
I shall become more confident than those words you whispered between promise rings,
tennis bracelets and Chicago trips in the still of the night..

I loveD you dude.
 

Only the Most High can bring me better than you.
However....... I dont even care right now.
Whatever is suppose to happen will run is course accordingly.


PS.

My playlist during this freewrite
William Fitzsimmons - I Dont Feel it Anymore
Jesse Boykins - Be All Truth, Think, Waiting in Vain and Never a Dull Moment
Floetry- And I Hope
Gwen Bunn - A Baby and Turn the Lights Down